I live compartmentalized, which isn’t really LIVING at all. It is a constant veil. A shield protecting you from a perceived judgment. I don’t know if it is something that we learn in life or some innate characteristic that is there from birth, but we as humans have evolved into a society that is nothing more than a surface of deception and fraud.
I think we have been conditioned to believe that you must put your best face on for the world to see. Maybe mental illness is at an all-time high because people are constantly struggling to keep it all in. This has especially been a problem for creative individuals. The desire to express oneself, to lay it all out in hopes that others can relate, is so strong. However; the need to suppress those feelings, those thoughts in order to be accepted by society and fit the mold is what is ingrained in our brains by everyone around us. The battle between the logical mind and the creative heart has long been the driving force behind some of life’s greatest works of art, and the deepest, darkest corner of despair.
How do we overcome this? Vulnerability.
I will be the first to say my circle is small. In my circle is my immediate family (husband, kids, mom, sisters), my extended family (in-laws) I can count on one hand how many people I consider my real friends. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I want those life-long friendships, people who won’t judge you for who you are, but I haven’t been willing to accept them.
All of my relationships lack authenticity. They are all surface level, superficial. Each person knows a lot about one part of me, but with the exception of my husband, no one really knows all aspects of me. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable as I have always believed that is a sign of weakness. I fear that people will judge, that people will not understand my heart and subsequently I will get hurt when I open myself up to others. It has happened before, and I have convinced myself that it will continue to happen, every time you reveal part of yourself to someone, they are adding an arrow to their quiver, ready to aim and shoot for the heart the moment an opportunity should arise.
However; you have to allow others to see parts of you so that they can truly get to know you on a deeper level. Getting over the fear of rejection, failure, judgment, and disappointment is something I struggle with.
It is exhausting to compartmentalize every aspect of your life. To keep so much hidden from the world. Here is an excellent Ted Talk from Brene Brown (an author, researcher and fellow Houstonian) about this topic. It really it home and I hope it does for you as well.
I plan to document my journey of self-discovery in 2018, open myself up and start to unwrap the parts of me that I don’t share with anyone. Focusing on vulnerability, I know I am leaving myself open to criticism and judgment, but that’s kind of the point.
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